yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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