i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
