So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize