Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
