Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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