im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
