Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
