...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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