I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize