just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
