Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
