Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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