When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
