when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
MIDGETS
????
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
