I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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