My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
