I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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