I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
