What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
