Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
