we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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