even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize