life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Randomize
