I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
