Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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