Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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