You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
