can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
