It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
