I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
