you win again, gameday.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize