I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
