Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
