this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize