i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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