his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize