i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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