the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
where are my eyebrows?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
