Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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