i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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