I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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