after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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