My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
