you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize