he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize