I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
