theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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