I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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