Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
