Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The adults are the big ones right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
