I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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