i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize