I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
