So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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