Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We need to rekindle our bromance
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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