Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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