im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
