So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
